Over a year ago I posted an entry on the words блузка/кофта that included a translation contest. Then I headed to Russia and lost track of it. Finally here are the results. The original and somewhat vulgar poem is posted here.

The best translation was submitted by D. Preker, and the first runner up was B. Schilke. Both translations are posted here.

PS to D. Preker. The e-mail address you originally wrote from is no longer valid. Send my your mailing address to collect your prize money. Specify the e-mail address from which you originally sent the translation as well so I know it's the real you.

Они is a pronoun that replaces grammatically plural nouns. It declines like this:

The primary meaning of они is they/them in its various forms. In such contexts you get sentences like:

But the interesting part of this word is when it refers to plurale tantum nouns. Such nouns are ones that grammatically occur in the plural only, never in the singular. Sometimes a noun is plurale tantum in both Russian and English, like брюки pants. If они is referring to such a word, then its forms are simply translated as they/them:

Sometimes a noun is plurale tantum in Russian, but singulare tantum (singular only) in English, such as деньги money. When они refers to such a word, then its forms are simply translated as it:

This by way of Ryan, a former student of mine, currently dating a lovely Russian girl:

Learning a foreign language is difficult. Sometimes it is downright dangerous; like when you accidentally tell your girlfriend that she has a great mustache when you meant to compliment her lips. The difference between губы and усы is noted...

Such little misunderstandings are very common in cross-cultural relationships. Back in 1991 I was dating a woman who had been the national shot-putting champion of Albania. We were in Paris at Cafe Vesuvio not far from Rue de Leningrad, sipping a local red wine whose name I have forgotten, when she looked at me with moist eyes and said, “You have the most beautiful uterus.” Not wanting to spoil the mood, I replied, “Thank you, mon petit chou, my uterus is yours and only yours.” She was visibly moved; no man had ever said such a thing to her before, though doubtless many have since. Alas, our relationship did not last the weekend, and I am left with only misty, water-colored memories...

The Russian word for lip is губа; note the shifting stress in the plural:

The Большой толковый словарь at gramota.ru defines губа like this:

That is about as unromantic a definition as you can find. On a more human level...

Okay, I lied on Friday. My favorite word in Russian is not слизь. It's слизняк. Слизь of course means mucous, and -няк is a suffix that forms a new noun, so слизняк is a ‘mucousling,’ in other words... a slug! Isn't that an awesome word?

Growing up in Tucson, Arizona, I never saw a live slug, so imagine my surprise when I moved to Seattle where they have banana slugs, which are bright yellow critters as long as a human arm!¹ Here's a picture:

Those -няк suffixes usually produce an end-stressed noun:

There is a more scientific version of this word as well, which is слизень. It is a soft masculine noun with a fleeting vowel:

Slugs are harmless unless you have a garden, in which case those slimy bastards will really piss you off:

You really should follow the link to that last one. The site has beautiful photographs...

¹ Well, as long as newborn's forearm... not an adult's arm.

I think my favorite Russian word is слизь, which means mucous. Almost all American students will laugh out loud the first time they hear it, which will doubtless mystify Russian readers, so I should explain that English has a word ‘sleaze’ which means a disgusting and dishonorable person, and there is just something in the word that conjures up images of greasy hair and greasy skin and sports coats reeking of stale cigarette smoke that need to be washed much more often. So the association of revolting slipperiness with sleaze and слизь to an American is immediate and visceral. I just love that.

Of course слизь is a perfectly good scientific word, and grammatically it is a feminine third declension noun which declines like this:

English speakers might be surprised to see a plural of the word since we never say ‘mucouses’ in English, but of course in medical and scientific English the proper plural is mucosa. Let's see... what sentences can we come up with without inducing nausea in the reader...